I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
