Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
