East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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