Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
