toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
