how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
