You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
