mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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