I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
