I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I deserve this hangover.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
