Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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