I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
