I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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