Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
