I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
