I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
