If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
