Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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