He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
