Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
