Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
