I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How does it feel to date your dad?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
