Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
