I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think my mom watched the whole time
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
