i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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