Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
