we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
