2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
