Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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