I bet he comes in French.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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