She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
