Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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