Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The power of my boobs compel you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
