i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
