i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
