ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
