just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize