May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I need to calm my uterus...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
