Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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