I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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