MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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