The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
