The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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