She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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