Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
