so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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