its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
