I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
