I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
