I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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