there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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