I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
