i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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