i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
