Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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