i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
