I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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