just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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