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I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
