but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
